Trying to find excitement in a place where it feels lost. Trying to find the spark that has been lost to tears of the past. What must I do to find my inner spark that burns and fuels my inner spirit propelling me through life? This question sits heavy on my shoulders as I sit in a new place, in a new country, surrounded by new people, something I always assumed should inspire excitement within. It makes me think of the big three I have been asking people while on my journey through PMNMA. What are three things that you need in order to live a fulfilling life? For me, what I have been adamant on is the need for adventure in new places and with new people, I need creativity or freedom of expression, whether it be in the form of art, clothing, through my words, or just being, and lastly but not leastly, I need meaningful connections with people where I feel supported and where I can support them, I need to feel that I improve the lives of those I surround myself by simply being my authentic self. As I reread my requirements I see that I am living all three and yet I feel there is still something missing. What is the secret ingredient that I am missing in this recipe for internal fulfilment? Perhaps a balance between the connection with others as well as a connection with myself? How do I improve my life by living my authentic self, and how does that look? What can I do for myself? What do I need? How do you find something you are unable to see? How do you find a feeling? Do you just go out in search of things, experiences, and people that resembles the feeling? Once you find it, how do you cultivate it within? I’m sure the answer is out there, and I’m sure a few people would say the answer is meditation, to quiet the mind, quiet the ego and its burning desire for more. Although what if it feels like you have a rock or stone sitting heavy within blocking the streams of energy, what if you feel you have holes where the streams of energy is seeping through and escaping? What if it feels as if you are an empty shell intellectually working, telling yourself you are giving good vibes but really you are just an image of happiness instead of the embodiment of happiness itself? They say fake it until you make it but that doesn’t feel so authentic at all. How do you clear the stones and patch up the holes, is meditation and self love the only answers to this? They say the mind is a muscle and you must exercise it otherwise it experiences atrophy. But what if the mind unworked overworks itself to overthinking. Voices in the mind clouding the mind, distorting it’s clarity and direction. Reality bent and morphed into more of a magic trick than the truth. Fog and mist caused by words and thoughts obstructing the truth. The ego sees this and uses this time of disorientation to shout its demands of more of growth in every direction, further distorting direction and truth. When awareness takes charge once more it finds itself lost in an unfamiliar forest unable to see past its next few steps. Awareness with a note in its pocket saying India. The next steps are known, however awareness and ego wants excitement and magic to be present. Give me a sign these are the steps I must be taking, let me feel the internal drive and pull one feels when they are driven. Maybe that’s just the ego demanding more, a red carpet that charges your battery as you walk along it towards the destination. The destination is enlightenment and life fulfilment.
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